It's OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids

Have you ever found yourself in a group of other parents, playing with your children, and peer pressure alone makes you direct your child to do something, or avoid something? And then you wonder whether that was really the best thing for your child, or if you're just reacting to the presumed expectations of other moms and dads. Sometimes we coax our kid to share something she's enjoying, or to apologize for an action he doesn't really understand. Sometimes we remind our child not to climb the slide, or not to exclude another child from play. If you ever had the gut feeling that maybe that wasn't really a useful approach, you may be right.Heather Shumaker has put together 29 "Renegade Rules". The rules provide an unorthodox angle on common parenting issues, and each is based on successful practices in child development centers and homes around the world.Shumaker is a journalist who had the good fortune to be enrolled as a young child in a preschool that respected the individuality and developmental needs of each child. Her mother was even a teacher there, so the ground rules set forth at school were carried over into her home. It's OK Not to Share cites a multitude of other authors, experts in early childhood development and psychology. I've read a number of these books and value them, so Shumaker's text fit nicely with my overall approach to mothering my son. While many of her assertions were quite familiar to me already, I found in her book a number of very useful specific suggestions for dealing with tricky situations."It's OK Not to Share" covers a gamut of early childhood topics. The book discusses a need to revive unstructured, free play for all children. It shows us how to deal with the wild emotions of little ones. It helps us discover the best way to help our kids become compassionate, giving, and conflict-resolving people. It tells us it's not only okay to let our children do stuff that many adults (particularly women) find too scary: climb trees, wear clothing of the opposite sex, exclude the opposite sex from play, paint off the paper, shoot toy guns, roughhouse, jump off things, discuss sex and death, and punch each other. These things are vital in becoming competent adults. Try to think back on what you were allowed to do as a child, before our culture became awash in unfounded fear.There are many more topics besides these, and the overarching philosophy is that we ought to respect our children in their unique journeys. What we do as parents ought not betray our kids in favor of toeing the line with other parents.What makes this book really useful is that each of the chapters is laid out in a similar way. Each Renegade Rule is well explained, several real-world examples are given, and each rule is supported with research and anecdotal evidence. The text is so expansive it goes 400 pages long, rather hefty considering that the typical parenting book is under 300 pages.I love most of what I read in the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. It deals with the concepts of respect for the child, unconditional love, and the emotional damage that punishment causes. But many parents came away from that book thinking, well I understand what not to do or say; now what? Shumaker's book comes along and fills in the gaps nicely. We come to learn a number of phrases to avoid and what to replace them with. Shumaker even wraps up the book by offering advice for living the Renegade Rules in real life, where we know all too well how judgmental other adults can be.I want to discuss my five favorite Renegade Rules here, to give you a taste. It's so hard to pick just five:It's OK If It's Not Hurting People or PropertyThis is the one that has had the most impact on my parenting decisions since I first read it. This is how I have convinced my husband more than once to chill out. If Theo's climbing up the slide and nobody's waiting to come down, or crashing a stick into a vernal pool, or attempting some risky maneuver (but only mildly risky,) or even just making a silly fool of himself, the question is who or what is it hurting? If we can't come up with a good answer, we keep our mouths shut about it. We may even embrace it.Kids Need ConflictAll too often we are tempted to step in and help our little ones avoid a conflict. We scoop them up, or command them to share. We solve the problem before it needed to be solved, and it is solved by the wrong people. Intruders. Instead, we can serve as mediators. "Do you like it when Billy does that? No? Then tell him. Billy, John has told you he doesn't like that. Do you still want to play together? Can you promise not to do that again?" I love how this book shows us how to help kids deal with conflict through clear communication, rather than avoid it.It's OK Not to ShareI have a friend who heard of the title of this book and responded quite strongly. He is convinced that the problem with kids today is that they are not being taught to share. I agree with Shumaker that the problem is that we are demanding that our children share as if their own needs are irrelevant. This approach does not make kids compassionate. They learn that sharing is unpleasant, it comes with interruption at an inconvenient time, and that it is dictated by powerful adults. It is disrespectful the child's process of play with the object.Rather, if we let a child keep a plaything until she is all done with it, she will often gladly hand it over to the waiting child. Then there comes that burst of good feeling from having willingly shared, and a child who experiences that likely wants that feeling again. That's the beginning of true generosity. And the next child knows she will be able to keep it as long as she likes, her playtime not ruined by a time limit or an abrupt takeover. Eventually you have a child who knows his play engagement is being respected, and will (and does) share because he wants to.Bombs, Guns and Bad Guys AllowedI am becoming so alarmed by news stories of small children being suspended for pretending to have guns or grenades. These little people are having their academic records tainted, and their psyches damaged, by grownups who take a child's gun play far too seriously. You cannot prevent a child from becoming violent by preventing him from pointing his finger at a friend and saying pew pew. And he will not become violent because he pretended to be a bad guy with a bomb. Overreacting to the imaginative play that makes some adults uncomfortable is far more likely to produce resentful children who, I don't know, may become more violent as a result.Kids Don't Have to Say "Sorry"Short and sweet: if a child doesn't mean she's sorry, she shouldn't have to say it. The youngest children who are often compelled to say these words don't really know what they mean. So what the child learns is that it's okay to do certain behaviors, or be careless, because all you have to do afterwards is say you're sorry. Instead, we ought to point out how her behavior hurt someone else, how that other child is crying for example. Let the first child get a sense of how her actions affect other. Then ask her if she can agree not to do it again. Chances are she will really try not to.

First and foremost, this book has given me the most useful parenting tools I have ever had the pleasure to implement. I have a young child ( not quite 2 when I got the book), and so many of these "Renegade Rules" were easy to apply and produced quick, consistent results in my toddler. I am so in love with this book that I have purchased 3 copies (so far!) because I keep loaning them out to friends! Here are a few of my favorite "Rules" and the things I've seen as I apply them in real life:Give Kids Power: Schumaker states that children often act out because of their need to feel a certain amount of power. Too much or too little power in their lives,and they act out in ways that aren't appropriate. Whenever my daughter starts to throw lots of tantrums or act out in other ways, I immediately asses whether or not she's had enough opportunities to feel powerful in her daily life. Some of her favorite activities that help her feel more powerful are climbing and using her muscles in roughhousing play, throwing rocks in water or at a bucket, blowing a whistle or yelling loudly outside, and standing up to paint. Implementing any one of these activities (many more are listed in the chapter) produce almost immediate results. She's happier, less prone to tantrums, and more likely to listen to me, even if I say "no". These results were very apparent from the very first day I used these tools.It's ok NOT to share: I babysit my friend's 2-year-old and this rule has been extremely helpful when dealing with grabby toddlers. Again, from the first day I used the new "rule", the grabbing and fighting over toys ceased almost immediately. I simply told both children that they would get a turn when so-and-so was "all done", and they could ask the other girl to bring them their toy when she was finished. Within a week, they were asking each other to bring it over when "all done" without any prompting from me, and more, they actually bring it to each other! I only need to give an occasional reminder of the words to use instead of grabbing, and this has reduced my need to constantly monitor their play and be a referee.All feelings are OK. All behavior isn't: This rule has helped me as an adult more than anything, as it has given me a perspective on toddler's big emotions. It's ok for them to feel sad, mad, and it's ok to express those feelings - just as long as it's not hurting people or property (including themselves and feelings - another Renegade Rule you'll learn about.) Tantrums do not even phase me anymore, because I know they just need to get that big emotion out, and I have other tools to use in those situations. Hitting a pillow, ripping paper, and throwing beanbags at a target are all things we now keep in our "mad corner", and my daughter takes herself there when she is upset and uses what she needs to get those emotions out. Then she comes right back to me and we talk about the situation. It's like magic, to see a 2-year-old (almost 3) get angry, take herself to a place where she can feel that anger but not hurt anyone, and then come back to figure out a solution. I have even used this rule when my husband and I get into arguments!! It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hurt each other with our words.I could go on forever but then this review would be too long to read. Just buy the book yourself and you'll see how amazing it is - I promise you'll get at least one thing out of it you can implement in your home with amazing results!

Revolutionary... I considered myself to be a pretty awesome preschool teacher before this book (I already practiced the No Sharing= OK principle) but now I'm going to actually live up to that label, especially when guiding kids through emotional issues and social situations. Even the couple things I was wary of at the beginning, (like "taking dictation from your tot") by the end of the chapter I was completely on board with the whole concept. (FYI: the dictation thing has worked every time). Heather Shumaker should be the parenting expert on every TV segment and in every internet article... She's my new hero, I keep telling my daycare families about this book and I bought it (and the sequel) for a friend's baby shower gift--it's the closest thing there is to an instruction manual for a child :)

I bought this book when the issue of sharing came to the forefront of my toddler's life. At 2, she was the child who was most likely to have toys taken from her (without protest). That left me in a tricky situation; I didn't know how to either defend her right to have that toy without upsetting the other parent or teach my daughter how to kindly stand her ground.I mentioned the book's ideas on 'not sharing' with my closest friend, whose son is also 2, and we practised the author's advice. We noticed immediately that it worked. The children were willing to talk to each other (we gave them the words) and respect their own agreement to take turns. And it removed all confrontation that might be felt between parents because what we were doing was getting the children to talk to each other (rather than giving out orders). Both children felt respected & safe to play with a toy until 'done'.After that, we broached the subject to other parents who we met with, when we found that they had the same problems over sharing (when to say something, forcing your child to 'share' their toys when they weren't done to appease another parent/child etc). They were open to trying the technique but doubted their child's willingness to co-operate. They were then amazed to see their child accept the final outcome (usually without tears or frustration).Of course, there are other topics discussed in the book, which are very interesting & offer the same level of common sense. But I bought it for the chapter on sharing & was not disappointed.

This book has totally revolutionized the way I parent and do daycare, and it works!. It's an easy read, and very practical, you can put it into practice right away. It'll totally change how you deal with negative behavior and conflicts. My favourite part is about how to give children the skills they need to stand up for themselves and to resolve conflicts on their own. The advice is practical, and it works, which is the most important thing. And it's not hard either, for us poor parents who are already stressed out and lack patience. The advice will help you discipline in an positive yet effective manner. It'll even take some of the pressure off of feeling your child has to do and learn so much or they'll be behind. I can't recommend it more highly.

This is simply excellent. It's very hands-on, structured around practical situations, but then Ms Shumaker also explains the thinking and guiding principles behind the advice she gives, and references relevant scholarly work. That would be enough to earn five stars, but she doesn't stop there: there's also advice on how to handle situations where other parents (who may not be on the same page with you regarding these "renegade rules") are involved (and Ms Shumaker knows how to handle these very subtly and amicably), and there are very useful lists of both suggested phrasing to use and to avoid when guiding your children.Most importantly: does it work? Stunningly, and somewhat to my surprise, results were as promised, within two or three days.

I don't know how I got so lucky to stumble upon this treasure of a book. It has strengthened my parenting and made our home and play with other kids so much more peaceful. People often comment on how well my three sons play together without fighting and how kind and considerate they are to each other. I feel so much more confident as a parent and my boys feel heard and understood.I promise you this book does not disappoint. So many great strategies, parenting ideas and new ways to view children's behavior.