Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Paperback – January 29, 2013

I believe this book saved my life. I'm not prone to melodrama, or to such excessively long reviews, but this is true, and so important to me, I have to say it. I've been working for years in an extremely busy law office. It's been growing harder and harder throughout the years for me to handle this job. Two months ago my boss fired my coworker, and I've since had to take on two people's work plus train multiple new people (as the first two didn't stay), all with constant, all day long interruptions, high-intensity demands, and a high level of multitasking. This has happened many times before, and while it was dreadful, I managed, but for some reason this time I just couldn't handle it. My entire life has been on hold since this started, I get home from work too exhausted to do anything except veg out for a couple hours and go to bed, and even weekends aren't much better. I was taking terrible care of myself and my life was falling apart. I did, in fact, feel like I was killing myself with this lifestyle, but I simply did not have the energy to fix any of it, or for that matter have any idea how to fix it.I blamed myself - there must be something `wrong with me' because I can't handle the job. I wanted to leave, but thought, if I can't handle this job, how am I going to handle a new job? It'll probably be more of the same. I thought I was just getting soft because I was getting older (I'm in my late 40s).I've always known I was introverted, but I didn't realize just what all that entailed - I thought it mostly meant `shy' or that I didn't like social settings.This book taught me more about myself than I've ever known. It read like my biography. Almost every page had a new insight into why I think and feel the way I do. Throughout the book I saw my very own self described in new and empowering ways.I learned that the job situation I'm currently in - the non-stop deadline demands, interruptions, never being able to work quietly or alone no matter how difficult a project was, phones ringing incessantly, people in my face all day long, etc. - especially when it's work that I actually don't care anything about personally - those are the exact circumstances that trip every one of a strong introvert's triggers. And I was subjecting myself to it 40 hours a week, for months.It's no wonder I was so miserable and completely exhausted all the time. And as enlightening as it was to learn how many of the traits I've beat myself up for over the years are just a product of my introverted temperament (being highly sensitive, shutting down when subjected to stimulation overload, preferring to think a thing through before I speak - something I never get to do at work, as if it takes me more than 5 seconds to say something, I get interrupted and cut off), the most important thing I got from this book is that it's okay to be myself, it's okay to feel the way I do. There is not something `wrong with me' that I have to `fix.' I am not weak or a failure because I don't feel or behave like my extremely extroverted boss (who thrives in high-energy crisis mode, and is bored unless he's doing 10 things at once - and expects the rest of us to keep up).And far from it being an age-related `going soft,' what's probably in fact going on is that as I get older, it is becoming increasingly vital to me to be truer to myself.I also found the information on the history of the "rise of the Culture of Personality" completely fascinating, it really gave me a new insight as to just exactly how we 'grew' this tendency to value extroversion over introversion. It makes so much more sense now.This book gave me the courage I needed to start taking the steps to fix my work situation. Not only the courage, but the `permission' and the understanding - because I now know there isn't something wrong with me, but instead this is what I need to do to be my best self, and stop killing myself with stress. That I probably can find a place of value in the world by being myself, not trying to force myself to be something I'm not. I know I will meet resistance from my boss (I'd love for him to read this book, but unfortunately I know he won't), and I know I won't instantly fix everything in one day, and that I'll probably always need to be able to stretch myself a bit to do things that are not ideal for me ... but this book taught me that there are ways to make that work, too, if you understand and honor the need for recharging around such tasks, instead of trying to force yourself to do them 8 hours a day with no break. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, in either direction. Basically, I'm not out of the woods yet, but I now see the path out, and I have hope.I think every introvert should read this book, because it will help you understand why you are who you are, and why that's a beautiful thing, not a character flaw. And I think everyone who knows an introvert should read this book, and quit trying to "fix us."Which means pretty much the entire country (or world) should read this book. The wealth of information and insights in this book cannot be overstated - especially if you are an introverted type of person who has always felt there was something not quite right about you, or that you somehow needed to change to fit in or succeed. This book will give you back yourself, and in my case, my life. Thank you, Susan Cain, from the bottom of my heart (which is finally beating at a more normal speed because I'm not panicked about going to work for the first time in months).Edited 11-13-14: It worked! I'm now working half-days at the office and half-days at home, and in a few weeks will transition to working from home full time. I never imagined that could happen. It's amazing what becomes possible when you finally realize you deserve what you already knew you needed.

Self-described introvert Susan Cain speaks out to bring us Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Random House; ISBN 0307352153, ASIN B004J4WNL2), a tome that resonates with and validates introverts. Describing the rise of the “Extrovert Ideal”, Cain also defines these two oft-misunderstood psychological terms, and asks how and from where such fundamental character traits arise, and what they are likely to do for—and to—their possessor. Cain briefly examines introversion across cultures, and finishes with some illuminating helps for intertype communication, along with ways introverts can best harness their unique gifts.As a deep introvert myself, I found the book quite fascinating, and many of its concepts resonating strongly with me. I’ve read some other works on personality types before, but this is the first major book of which I’m aware that sticks strictly to introversion and that is targeted at a popular audience. While I’m not sure that it is likely to appeal to extroverts as much as it is to those of us who appreciate the validation it gives, I found there to be some interesting ideas in terms of how the two types of people can better communicate, including, for example, specific suggestions for introverts at work and for the extrovert parents of introvert children. Nevertheless I’m conscious that some of the introvert cheerleading could be interpreted as extrovert bashing, and as such would be very interested to hear how extroverts perceive this work—there is value to it for such people, for as Cain argues, “if you’re not an introvert yourself, you are surely raising, managing, married to, or coupled with one.”Cain covers several of the numerous definitions for introversion before settling on a fairly standard working one for the rest of the book. But while part of this is a careful explanation that introversion and shyness are not the same, this fact sometimes seems forgotten throughout Quiet, which appears to set successful public speaking as the highest ideal to which introverts should aspire. I first recognized myself as an introvert when I heard a University of Utah psychologist suggest that such a person may actually be very competent in social situations, but will also be mentally or emotionally drained by their stimulation, and require solitude to recharge again. This is the essence of Cain’s working definition, and while it is definitely me, I am not shy and I really enjoy public speaking. With this perspective in mind however, I derive from Quiet that introversion is not a one-dimensional characteristic, or even one end of a personality spectrum: it is different things to different people, each of whom must take his own approach in adapting to the extroverted society in which Cain persuasively argues we live.Her term for this is the “Extrovert Ideal”, which she argues grew up in the early 1900s as the “man of action” became more prized than the “man of contemplation”, initially through the efforts of public-speaking icons like Dale Carnegie and others who held that “all talking is selling and all selling involves talking.” As Cain readily admits, this ideal is particularly prevalent in the US, and while she gives a high-level contrast with a generic Asian culture that she says still prefers quiet contemplation, this is one area of the book I felt could have used some expansion. For example, when citing studies that reveal one in two or three Americans is actually introverted, Cain somewhat reasonably concludes that “Given that the United States is among the most extroverted of nations, the number must be at least as high in other parts of the world.” Though Americans are the prime audience for Quiet, I would have liked to read more about the breakdown in other parts of the world, and would have liked more than just the chapter about Asian-Americans in Part Three, “Do All Cultures Have an Extrovert Ideal?”Indeed, as a current student of global negotiations, I read this book in part seeking insight on best practices among cultures for integrating introverts. Nevertheless, I found several interesting takeaways that could be applied in a negotiating context. One such recurring theme in the book is learning to harness just what the subtitle indicates: the power of introverts, which is obviously substantial. Introverts should be aware of their own strengths, and while most American introverts have already developed sophisticated mechanisms for faking extroversion (a necessity in a society that so values open office plans—which “have been found to reduce productivity and impair memory”—glad handing, and backslapping), others will want to be able at least to promote their particular abilities to those superiors who choose the members of a negotiating team. For example, Cain tells of a Harvard Business School student who, when playing the group-oriented “Survival Game”, a B-school rite of passage, allowed his extensive knowledge of survival to go to waste by not speaking up forcefully enough in a group of brash would-be leaders looking to make an impression; his group had a dismal finish.Cain also tells of her own experience as a young lawyer in a negotiation across the table from a group of hard-charging lawyers and executives: after the initial shock to her system of this overstimulating environment, she silently coached herself to play to her strengths: listening and asking intelligent questions to achieve understanding. Where bluster had previously failed to make headway, Cain’s quiet perseverance reminded me of the important concept of mindfulness in negotiations, which requires a high level of focus on pre-identified goals, and a persistent mental “presence” at the table, made possible through unusual levels of concentration and focus.Indeed, real understanding at a deep level can be key to successful negotiations of all types, from the purely distributive, or zero-sum kind, to more cooperative, expand-the-pie type mediations. In the first case, paying careful attention to the signals given by the other party during, and perhaps especially before, the negotiation itself, can give great insight on the most appropriate strategies to pursue. While it makes intuitive sense that an extrovert full of bluff and bluster would be best positioned to do well in this type of negotiation, the careful observations of an introvert could be invaluable, as could the patience that often comes along with this personality type. At the other end of the negotiation spectrum, each party’s ability to gain more from working together to arrive at a solution than they could get either going it alone or to the law relies in great measure on developing a solid understanding of the other party’s perspective, from its perception of the underlying issue to its goals for resolution.So while I regret that Quiet won’t likely do much to slow the relentless march of the Extrovert Ideal, there is much here for both introverts and extroverts, whether involved in formal negotiations or just those we all encounter in daily life. For introverts in particular, the validation Cain gives is valuable, and the advice, split infinitives notwithstanding, is worth remembering: “your biggest challenge may be to fully harness your strengths… You have the power of persistence, the tenacity to solve complex problems, and the clear-sightedness to avoid pitfalls that trip others up.”