Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... IF YOU ARE A SURVIVOR PLEASE READ, YOU'RE LIFE MAY BE AT STAKE:These books are only helpful people not those who put their own pleasure above your mental health. I made the mistake of purchasing this and two others about this subject to help my husband better understand what was wrong with me. Unfortunately, it did more harm than good and by purchasing three books I tripled the damage. He used them to further abuse me and tell me how I was doing my illness wrong and I a must be a whore or slut because I wasn't having sex with him. And more disturbingly, seemed to get aroused by the books. SO PLEASE BEFORE YOU PURCHASE THIS BOOK OR ANY ON THIS TOLD BE VERY, VERY, VERY SURE OF YOUR PARTNER. When we learned in childhood no one can be trusted, it doesn't necessarily change. I have now vacated the bed we shared for a great dane bed at the foot of the actual bed, I feel this is my proper place after what he had put me through. I have no desire to return to the shared bed. So please beware. That's my experience with this book, you will find a similar review done by myself regarding the two other books I purchased.

Insightful and informative. I wish the book would have been available in the 80's as I started my relationship with my wife. Had I known then what I know now I would chosen a different person to go through life with. Although I am proud of the children we created the price of being with an incest survivor was regrettably too high. As I read this book I realized that I no longer had the patience and energy to obtain the impossible. She saw this change and we parted ways 2 1/2 years later after being together over 30 years. Everyday I wish it were different; but, it was.

Yes, the book is on the short side. But there is a good reason: the wording is concise and to the point. Highly recommended! Would have earned a 5th star if it would have covered the frosting on the sex abuse cake, Dissociative Identity Disorder.Yes, it's written for a male audience as most sex abuse survivors are female. Having read a number of books on sex abuse, I had no problem flipping gender references.

As a partner of a survivor this book helped me to understand what my spouse was going through, and gave me more knowledge for how to help her. It also helped my spouse understand her own problems, and aided her recovery process.

I bought this book to help me understand what my best friend was going through. It was so helpful. It takes you through each step they go through. I was lost as to how to be there for her until I read it. I just didn't get it until after reading the book. Excellent book.

If you live with or know someone who has ever been molested and or raped this is a wonderful book to learn where their mind is and what they may be going through even years later.

Provides a good explanation on what to expect when your partner begins healing. Also provides valuable information on how to support your partner and the emotional changes and thoughts that the couple may experience individually.

Good book with insight for the partner. Does not matter if you are female or male there is good information in this book.

I have only had time to scan read this helpful and thought provoking book.THE POSITIVE:-One of the most useful sections, as the partner of a survivor, was about Co-Dependency (page 75)"Co-Dependency attitudes lead to caretaking behaviour that ultimately is not helpful to either survivor or partner" <snip>"Demanding that the survivor focus on the problems, wants and needs of the partner detracts from the survivor's ability to manage their own recovery" I was horrified to read the detailed story of how as a seven year old child my partner had been sexually abused by a seventeen year old brother. It was a true relevation in a the eyes of a child.In the family album we have a beautiful picture of that little girl and it is almost unforgivable for an adult size boy to attempt penetration. Age and size differences take it beyond sibling experimentation.When what had happened was revealed some five decades onward it provided an explanation about problems in our early year of marriage.What has been done cannot be undone but an apology from the perpetrator rather than denial would have been helpful. The full support and belief of the rest of her family would have been helpful.This section has made me consider whether it is reasonable expections to ask for an apology and an openness in the family. Action to minimise risk of similar future incidents might be regarded as an emotional protection of the image of the child. What happened to the child may have taken priority over the current needs of my partner. In the absence of the apology my partner needs to move on and forget.Against the five star rating:-On page 4 the author writes "Healthy adults take care to model privacy and protect children from the sight of adult nudity" The statement would cause offence to many naturists particularly as it associates nudity with "the sounds of adult sexual activity" Many of those who are not religious would not be happy with to form or participate in a Partners of Sexual Abuse Survivors group (page 159) that had the recommended steps 11 in its core mission statement:-"Sought through prayer and mediation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out"Some may be unhappy with an suggestion with the consequences of incest being utilised to promote religion as suggested by step 12"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"

Very interesting read, many valid thoughts

What I've read so far..is very good ,and a quick dispatch

An excellent book on how to understand and treat your relation with an abuse survivor.It is well written, understandable and easy to read. You can hop from one chapter to another without needing to read them in order and skip non-relevant ones. The term of survivor is well chosen and within the context of the book; to have a relationship with a victim of abuse, they and you have to be survivors. Recommendable to anyone interested.

I got this for my wife and she said it allowed her to understand better of my past and that what happened in the bedroom was not personal. Allowed me to work through what I had to and feel safe and supported by her!